i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
