i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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