I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
