If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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