Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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