oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
