sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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