I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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