peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
