You're my little dorito
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
