Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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