There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
