Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
