Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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