I am puke
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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