I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
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