i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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