Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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