the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
