piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
