so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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