I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
