oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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