yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
