ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
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having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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