So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
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She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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