the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
