Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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