It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
