I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Let's get the cat blown out
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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