You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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