she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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