On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
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You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
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Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year