So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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