god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
