you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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