I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
