and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
