Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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