I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
