What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
