Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
