i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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