Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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