Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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