I want to have your abortion
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
