If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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