Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
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Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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