The beer is more important than you right now.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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