I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
