just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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