I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
