i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
