Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
