from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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