I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
