nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
