I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
